Is external validation a bad thing?

We often think of external validation as a bad thing.

External validation comes from other people approving of you or your feelings. It is often shown in the forms of being accepted into friendship groups, social media 'likes' and compliments.

Internal validation comes from approving of yourself. It allows you to be content with yourself, with limited judgement - just as you are.

The hit of external validation can be addictive and people often rely on this during their day to day life. Making sure that everyone likes them, their outfit isn't too 'out there' or getting a certain amount of likes on Instagram. Which is crazy because other people's thoughts of you have nothing to do with who you are as a person.

Internal validation takes a bit more work and doesn't provide an instant hit of dopamine, like external validation does. Internal validation can be hard, it requires you to sit with your emotions, and validate them, without judgement. But it allows you to not blame yourself for certain situations, have moments of reflection, celebrate your own successes and knowing your strengths.


People are often encouraged to ditch the external validation for internal validation. But, I don't think external validation is a bad thing, as long as you use it to your strengths.

We can use external validation to our advantage as long as we don't rely on it or let is define us.

We all have limiting beliefs of ourselves. This may be our parents telling us that we'd "be a great doctor" or should "have 3 children," or our teacher saying "she's not a hard worker." All of what we are told, when we are growing up especially, leads us to create a persona of ourselves in our head: I'm creative, but I don't work hard enough. I'm caring so I'd make a great Mother. I'm really unorganised so I could never run my own business.

These thoughts can often hold us back, because we act in the way that we believe to be true.

Other people don't have these limited beliefs of you, they only exist in your mind. All you need is one person to see your true potential, to see the parts in you that you don't yet see yourself. That person can help you bloom and grow into the best version of yourself.

We are built to be sociable creatures. Lean into other people, learn from other people and absorb everything that you can from your surroundings. Some people will bring out the good in you, some people will bring out the not so good in you. Notice, and take note - you will know what feels right and what feels wrong.

Experiment with yourself. Put yourself out there and don't be afraid. We're all experiencing life for the first time. We all know that people aren't scared to share their thoughts. If you do something that someone likes, they will tell you. And if they don't? They will also tell you.


But so what? Their opinion is just an opinion and you have no control over that. As long as you are a good person and cause no harm, then their opinion is nothing more than an opinion.

(fun drinking game: take a shot every time you read the word 'opinion')

But it's all about finding the balance. Use external validation to your advantage; to find the good and bad in you; your strengths weaknesses and to uncover/open doors. But don't let it define you. Use it to spark curiosity but ultimately, you call the shots and you can decide what to keep and what to let go of.

Use internal validation to your advantage; to know your worth; to process events with an open mind and to have moments of reflection but don't get so caught up in yourself that you become narcissistic.

I have people in my life who bring out the absolute best in me.

I have people in my life who believe in me, often before I believe in myself.

Growing up, I have had a few different groups of friends. There have been things that I have agreed with, and some that I have disagreed with. On reflection, I have done many things that I didn't actually want to do, or that doesn't align with me and my values for the sake of acceptance. But that's life, we learn.

I know who my people are.

There is an Ubuntu saying that is "I am because we are."

It basically translates to "I am the person that I am, because of the people around me." It relies on the premise that we cannot be human all by ourselves and that we are all interconnected, and each of us derives meaning from the people that surround us. This simple idea captures a powerful philosophy—a way of life based on love, connection, humanity, unity and optimism.

Use external validation to learn more about yourself, other people and experience the world.


But, have the ability to take a step back and know what is worth fighting for, and what is not. Discover and understand your strengths and weaknesses. Embrace your self worth. You will know when it's time to say "I choose me."

Kate xx 

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